My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
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