i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
