my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
