I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She's the barista slut.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
