the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
