Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
