You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize
