i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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