Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
