what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
