I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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