your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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