i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
