you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
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