My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
