I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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