strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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