After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
