Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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