Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
