k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
