Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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