youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
