ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
