update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
why do cheetos always look like penises
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
