Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
