Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I think people are normalizing furries
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
