When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
