When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
