I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
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