i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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