i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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