Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
