I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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