His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
We smell like vodka and hangover
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