i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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