The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
