I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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