so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
