All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
