I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
