i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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