my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
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