It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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