Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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