we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
