chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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