When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
