I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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