Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
